Chapter I

What’s next? Gucci tampon holder? (Please contact me for royalties.)

We open with Shan Cai riding down the road in her busted-ass scooter. All the cars are passing her by as it continually breaks down. She tries pounding on it, but the strength displayed isn’t even enough to hurt a marshmallow. It’s probably a brand-new scooter, and they didn’t want dents. I suppose they could’ve sprung for some sound effects, but obviously (as we shall continually see) sound mixing, looping and ADR are not at the top of their priorities. Bai He stops and scolds her for bringing the school down (failing to list in the Guinness Book of World Records for most rich assholes, I think). She condescendingly acts nice while handing her some tissues (housed in a Gucci tissue holder) so she can clean herself up. As Shan Cai parks her scooter, the groundskeeper (let’s just say he is, it’s funnier that way) greets her, worried that her vehicle is broke again. She assures him she can fix it, and hands him her lunch for safekeeping. Girl, he’s gonna eat that thing, you know how groundskeepers live? Meagerly in a unabomber-styled shack on school grounds!!

Bai He meets up with Qian Hui on the steps of Ying De University, whereupon they immediately start showing off their new acquisitions.
Bai He: “Chikkit out, bitch, I got a Prada bag!”
Qian Hui: “Prada? Slut, please, Burberry coat!”
Bai He: “Who cares when I have this priceless diamond necklace!”
Qian Hui: “Julia Roberts’s nose FTW!!”
Bai He doesn’t like that her friend went without her to Beverly Hills to get it. Also, they will now collectively be known as Baiheqianhui.

Qian Hui was arrested for indecent exposure back in the States
Bai He: “When I think about you I touch myself”
Part I of the continuing series: Shan Cai Sure Runs Funny

Oh boy! Juice time!

Shan Cai meets up with her friend, Li Zhen, at the lockers, but look more like the cubbyholes I had in daycare. They discuss their courses, and how the others don’t even care about the education, but attend school for the social contact. They gossip about Qian Hui’s new nose, and how if you push it one way, another part will come out. They walk off as the camera pans over the “lockers” until we see a red tag, to the tune of Camille Saint-Saens’ Aquarium, from Carnival of the Animals, funnily enough. (Also, it was featured recently in the Simpsons, but when I was watching that, I kept thinking Meteor Garden and laughing at the connection. Haw-haw.)

The backlit F4 only appear when they feel threatened.

A haggard-looking Ah Shu solemnly packs his things as Baiheqianhui talk of how he willingly dropped out and is only back here to pick up his stuff. During his walk of shame past the students, he accidentally drops his supplies, so Shan Cai moves to help. Li Zhen pulls her back, warning her that she might also incur the F4’s wrath. We flashback to Ah Shu mouthing off to the group that he is not afraid of them. They suddenly turn around to face him in what is supposed to be a threatening moment, but it falls kind of flat. Back to the present, when the professor arrives, he wants to know why Ah Shu is dropping out, until Baiheqianhui inform him it was the F4’s doing. He then goes up to Ah Shu and advises him not to be a black sheep anymore. Shan Cai: WTF?


Shan Cai’s WTF face
L-R: Mei Zuo, Hua Ze Lei, Xi Men, Dao Ming Si — The F4 in more natural surroundings.

In class, the prof teaches about Confucius and conscience, but the hypocrisy is so overwhelming Shan Cai excuses herself so she can yell off the roof. She calls the F4 “Piggy 4” and can’t believe the students and even the teacher could act so horribly. Then she realizes she was the same, by doing nothing. She warns the sky to stay out of her bidness, or else.

As a bead of soda runs down his face, Dao Ming Si asks, “If Sting were enough, what do we need The Police for?”

On the way to Phys Ed, Shan Cai and Li Zhen encounter the aforementioned teacher accidentally spill soda on Dao Ming Si’s face. How in the hell did he get it on his face? Was he on a pogo stick, or did he fall upwards? And it seems like the can was pretty empty when it rolled across the ground, so how did that little amount of liquid come up from the bottom of the can, through the relatively small opening, and onto the face of a person who isn’t a midget? He apologizes and attempts to clean him up, but DMS counters,”If apologizing were enough, what do we need the police for?” The teacher runs away in fear, knocking over the basket of sporting equipment Shan Cai and Li Zhen were carrying. Dao Ming Si kicks the basket from his path, but Hua Ze Lei stays behind to pick it up. HZL notices SC watching him.

A replica of the manga scene

At work (at the somewhat oddly-named Italian Tomato bakery) Shan Cai complains about the F4 to her best friend, Xiao You, but the latter is actually impressed, because the boys at her school have no alibi. (You know… ‘cuz they U-G-L-Y.) Shan Cai goes on that they act however they want because they are extremely wealthy and their parents help fund the school. Xiao You remarks that they can’t all be that bad, and Shan Cai hesitantly agrees, but then states she will keep to herself to stay out of the spotlight. Xiao You lightly criticizes her for changing so much since high school (no longer speaking her mind, etc.).

Xiao You gets the beating of her life after she fawns over the F4. (Another manga scene replicated, BTW. This shan’t be a continuing series because I don’t think I can notice them all.)

Returning home, Shan Cai’s mom asks about her college career, or more specifically, if she has a boyfriend. SC replies she feels out of place and asks if she can quit the prestigious Ying De, but mom forbids it: no way, how else will you get rich? She becomes so agitated she needs her inhaler and starts scolding her husband for eating up all the rice and staying in the same position at work. These two are so funny together — they argue about the way they were, and how their next-door neighbor has more sex than she does. She goes on that he is all soft, except his liver. Shan Cai calms them down by agreeing to stay at Ying De.

Shan Cai’s mom is a fan of the wide-eyed, hiding-in-the-bushes Margot Kidder crazed look.

Your finest hookers, please.

In a bar, Hua Ze Lei keeps licking his fingers, and it’s not like he ate babyback ribs. Okay, HZL… it’s verging on the side of gross. And… it’s gross. Dao Ming Si reveals his new straightened hairdo (as opposed to his naturally pineapple-shaped hair). HZL stares at his cellphone as Xi Men’s date’s bf comes in, and starts getting in Xi Men’s face. DMS takes it upon himself to beat the guy up. Mei Zuo and Xi Men unconvincingly join the brawl. HZL stands up without batting an eyelash and dumps a bunch of bills on the counter for the damage. Yeah, I wouldn’t worry that much either, since it is the worst staged altercation ever in the history of staged altercations. I guess the actors never trained in stage fighting?

Are you sure she didn’t drop some lignite coal instead?

The next day, in school, Li Zhen accidentally drops a box full of carbon paper onto Dao Ming Si. She apologizes profusely, but he ignores her and literally pushes her away, so she’s hurt. Shan Cai asks if he can’t accept her apology, but he snidely remarks about poor people banding together. She calls him and the F3 parasites that have done nothing but live off their fathers’ wealth, yet they walk around thinking they the shiet; she even calls them “Piggy 4″. DMS calls her “brave” for standing up to him, then walks away with the F3 in tow. SC inwardly thinks that she is screwed — not only have her wishes to be unnoticed unraveled, but THE DREADED RED TAG.

Shan Cai anticipates it in her locker, but it’s not there. Yet, as she walks to class, the student body avoids her like oil avoids water. When she enters the classroom, Bai He giggles to Qian Hui that SC is done for, then looks like she pops her glossy lips at SC very homoerotically. You know, it all makes sense: Bai He was in love with SC, so she tried to sabotage her at every turn. Anyway, Li Zhen tries to signal to Shan Cai to check her back. Somehow, the red tag has attached itself to her posterior. THE BULLYING HAS BEGUN.

(1) Classmates toss scraps of paper on her desk during test taking. When the prof checks them, he accuses her of cheating and orders her to leave. As he writes out on the chalkboard that she will receive a zero, someone trips her and her stuff magically flies toward him. He informs her she has failed the whole semester and she doesn’t need to return.
(2) Someone paints glue on the telephone receiver before Shan Cai picks it up to make a call.
(3) Trapped in the closet: OUT. Trapped in the bathroom stall: IN.
(4) As she sits down to eat lunch, she finds herself stuck to the table, but this time, someone has the decency to place some firecrackers in front of her.

Hate you guys… so much…

It’s raining men — hallelujah!

Li Zhen tries to avoid Shan Cai. Dao Ming Si sees this and laughs that the person she stood up for won’t even talk to her. At least Li Zhen looks guilty. Later, she confronts Shan Cai in a relatively secluded place. SC assures LZ that she will be fine and should git if she doesn’t want to be a target, too. LZ wordlessly hands her a small teddy bear and leaves. When a button is pressed, a recording of LZ says, “Shan Cai… duìbuqǐ” — sorry, Shan Cai. This gives her the strength she needs in proclaiming to all those who want to bully her to come on out, and as if on cue she is doused in water from up above.

Back on the roof, she curses all the bullies, especially the Piggy 4 except this time Hua Ze Lei appears from behind a wall. He offers his handkerchief. Thinking he’s nice, she apologizes for insulting him a moment ago, but he cuts her off by claiming he’s not interested in other people’s problems. As he leaves, she calls him back so she can return his handkerchief, but he instructs her to throw it out because it’s now trash. She calls herself an idiot for believing he was different, as she sees her scooter in ruins. DMS drives by to tell her she’s won his respect, but he will try even harder tomorrow to make her life a living hell. Shan Cai decides to train by exercising and eating extra rice. She even makes her own red tag, which she sticks on DMS’s forehead, declaring war on them. DMS looks about ready to bust a cap in my ass.

I think the pineapple look is better

When Xiao You finds out Shan Cai’s declared war, she’s delighted that the friend she once knew is back. She supports her (jia you!), but when she asks for her game plan, she’s at a loss for words. Meanwhile, at some club lounge, straightened-hair Dao Ming Si uses some of his bad grammar. The F3 talk about how Shan Cai stood up to the bullying and is similar to DMS’s sister. Mei Zuo bets that DMS can’t win against her.

The next day, Shan Cai finds her scooter chained up. As she struggles to break the lock, a couple of guys come by claiming they got letters from her that supposedly said she would do anything for help (against the bullying)… yes, anything. SC denies it, but they chase after her for a kiss. When they catch up to her, they hold her down, but Hua Ze Lei appears out of nowhere and squeaks: “Let her go.” Really, now, I know the guy’s introverted, but he has vocal chords and the ability to speak at a normal timbre, right? Everybody else’s voices don’t require me to pump up the volume when they speak. The two punks run away and SC asks why he helped her if he’s one of them. He says he only did it because he hates this kind of thing, and leaves. SC tries to collect herself, but breaks down and cries instead. HZL returns to stand on his head. He reminisces how an old friend told him to stand upside down to keep the tears from flowing. Won’t that mean they’ll roll over your eyelids instead? Just lie down, let gravity do its job, and they’ll coat the back of your eyeballs in no time. And yes, he was totally mumbling. Some people like watching with the volume low in the middle of the night without subtitles, yo!

The skinny four-legged Taiwanese spider is a rarity… OMG! It’s headed right for us! *BANG!*

The two punks arrive at Dao Ming Si’s mansion to inform him of their endeavours. They say she’s a tough nut to crack and that they tried to tear her clothes, but DMS interrupts that he only wanted to scare her, not for that to happen. (Taiwan’s way of anti-demonizing him? Because in the manga, he really did organize the gang rape.) They quickly interject that it didn’t work anyway, because Hua Ze Lei stopped them. DMS doesn’t like this piece of news and when they ask for their payment, he pushes them both into the pool.

Is he doing the breast stroke?
Pow! Right in the kisser! (Note: Kisser = balls)
Turn around and take it like a man!
That’s right, bitch!

The next time Shan Cai sees Dao Ming Si, she runs up to him and punches him. She shouts that he’s an asshole and he should be ashamed for what he tried to do. DMS is stunned into silence. SC runs away funnily to the roof. She’s not sure what’s going to happen next, but acknowledges that that felt really good. Yeah, I bet. I want to punch someone, too! DMS is still so stunned that he’s been in the Jacuzzi for five hours. This just seems like another gratuitous wet scene of a good-looking guy. I mean… sulking in a Jacuzzi for hours? How lame is that?

Hehe, check out Xi Men’s face.
Oh, the faults slow-motion can reveal.

Shan Cai returns to the roof, hoping to meet Hua Ze Lei. As she walks through campus, she hears beautiful violin music. She finds the source to be HZL himself. She tries to approach him, but he notices and stops immediately. She marvels at his skill and tries to thank him for the other day, but he says that if he knew she’d be so annoying, he wouldn’t have bothered. As he leaves, SC calls out after him that she’ll wait for him on the roof. He replies that he will stop going, then. She VOs that those harsh words didn’t affect her because the melody of his violin belied his true feelings. As she’s ready to go home, two suited men abduct her and knock her out.

Forever 21 sucks!

Shan Cai wakes up in the middle of a beauty spa treatment. Wearing a Forever 21 dress (I’m guessing, it doesn’t really look amazing), she’s led into a large room where Dao Ming Si appears. He notes that even a commoner like her could shine. He announces that he will allow her to hang out with him (arguably, he’s asking her to be his girlfriend, but literally he says she can be by his side). He asks if she isn’t happy, but she calls him an idiot. He offers her the use of his at-home salon and spa, a monthly allowance, etc., but she throws at him her shoe. She isn’t some product just anyone can buy. He asserts that a lot of girls would love to be in her position, so she tells him to go look for them instead and storms off.

Aiya! Manga scenes are hard to replicate! (The black thing isn’t a bat and heh, check out that marble lady in the background. At least, I hope it’s a lady.)

I really didn’t want to add this, but we close with Dao Ming Si sitting in bed, pensive. This guy either sits in his bed or in his Jacuzzi or sits somewhere else. Doesn’t this guy do anything else? As you’ve probably figured out, this version of Doumyouji comes in last when you consider all the incarnations (except the live-action movie, which I haven’t had the chance to see yet). It’s like, “COME ON! You are close, but you are still too lame to be him.” (I need some synonyms for lame.) Hah, the thought just popped in as I typed the last sentence: it’s because they made him into a complete pussy. Should’ve stuck with him arranging the gang rape, folks. (And I realize how horrible that sounds, but come on, Doumyouji was a horrible person until someone stood up to him.)


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