Welcome Wagon 3×01

Rob Thomas said the long-running mysteries are for the fans, while the MotWs are for the casual viewers. So you can kinda see where I’m going with this.

Veronica is taking Intro to Criminology. So they’re really setting her up for Quantico, if the show is going to go that far, eh? I’ve always thought she was more suitable as a photojournalist or something like that… meh. What do I know, right? She shows off her online searching prowess to solve a mock case in a record 6 minutes. The previous record holder, Timothy Foyle, the T.A. in her class, is Lucky. Remember Lucky? He died. But they brought the actor back. I have no problem with this, because I had faith that it would work — I remember thinking how different he played the same CHARACTER (so much so that I almost thought it was a different guy). The only problem I have is his wig. It’s like, Jack-Shephard’s-wig-from-Lost bad.

Still living at home, Veronica and Keith have a short scene together: we find out he was three days late to New York, and that he has to go away again for a few days, so he puts Backup in charge and is to maul her boyfriend on sight after midnight. I don’t think Keith saw Leave it to Beaver 1×22.

This is how we’re introduced to Piz: “Stosh?” “Call me Piz.” Yeah, that’s much better; I’m going to take you seriously now. Did the PTB just give up entirely? They didn’t have to name him almost-but-not-quite-as-atrocious “Stosh.” Piz (shudders) takes front and center as the victim of a robbery. Veronica helps out because he’s Wallace’s roommate, and every step of the way he’s there, the more he becomes enamoured of her. His face falls when he finally sees Veronica… with Logan.

Yes, LV are going strong, but I didn’t like seeing Logan-lite. It was slightly fluffy, but hopefully because it was the premiere they toned it down a bit. It was nice to see them in a real relationship, but almost jarring. It was just so weird, being so accustomed to flashbacks or a relationship always on the verge of breakdown. Oh, and we see them right after they have sex. And God said, “It was good. Dayum fine.” (I’m shallow.) Poor Backup: king without a kingdom. Not good: still living in the hotel room of doom. It was kind of vomit-worthy knowing Logan and Veronica are having sex in the vicinity where she and Duncan had sex, Aaron was murdered, Beaver committed suicide, and on the same bed Kendall was in.

Veronica happens upon a “Take Back the Night” rally (…in the daytime), which Mac is also attending. The speaker, one of the victims (with shaved head) of the Hearst campus serial rapist, encourages for more security and the end of fraternities. The girls cheer while the guys boo. Suddenly, a masked figure wearing only speedos hops onto the stage and starts doing dirty things with a blow-up doll. Appalled, the girls tackle him, kick him in the balls, and pull off his mask. (Not necessarily in that order. But probably is.) It’s Dick! It’s like they never left high school. Logan refers to him as his “BFF” a couple times even though he flipped him off (Dick did) and mentions that Dick, who was gallivanting with his Dad in the Caymans, is now at Hearst because his stepdad, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s business manager, got him in. (Which still leaves Logan’s acceptance a little shady.) Rumor has it Dick blames Logan for Cassidy’s death. Veronica reassures him he isn’t.

Parker, a bubbly, outgoing girl, is Mac’s roommate. She hoped to be at odds with her roomie, but it turns they totally mesh. I guess Parker equates absolute silence with agreement. She latches herself onto Mac and Veronica as they head out to see a band. Mac calls herself “frozen from the waist down” whilst calling Parker a “one-woman red-light district.” Ouches all around. She is clearly boy crazy, and invited Dick over. However, she forgot to tell him she wasn’t going to be there, and he has a painful meeting with Mac instead. He claims Cassidy never cared about her because she was his “beard.” Interesting. So Dick thinks Cassidy was gay.

As they are lunching, Logan presents as a bonus birthday gift his room key. Veronica is once again stunned speechless (shocked, I say!) by his declarations of love. Nearby, Dick, who has been kicked out of student housing, tries to hit on a girl named Deedee so he has a place to stay. Her boyfriend, presumably, a giant, giant man, beats him up. Logan has sweet fists so he asks for Veronica’s taser instead. Dick doesn’t want a hug from Logan and leaves immediately.

Veronica, who gave Piz Duncan’s argyle shirts because his Oregonian clothes were among the stolen items, meets up with him for a case update. Logan eyes them and remarks dryly, “Nice shirt.” HA! Argyle shirts are like cockroaches… they never die. Piz later asks if that guy was her boyfriend. I think so, Piz. Then again, I do kiss every guy I meet. Veronica realizes Piz likes her. Piz is a stupid name.

Piz is small-town folk, so he trusted a fraudulent “welcome-wagon” committee to watch his car, which meant, of course, they’re thieves. The guy who put Piz’s (HA) stolen guitar up on craigslist lied and told them he bought it from the flea market, but he was the ringleader; the children in his mentoring program are his “gang.” Sacks was involved, so that’s good. Sacks is hilarious.

Keith, in a boring side story (continued from the season finale), has to be away because he accompanies Cormac Fitzpatrick as he’s released from jail so he can meet up with his love, Kendall (or Priscilla), whom Keith has helped hide away. Apparently, his brother Liam wants a hefty cut of the money (from Cassidy’s real estate?) so they planned this as secretly as possible. When Keith leaves the lovebirds alone, he finds a bug from Vinnie Van Lowe (he thinks Liam hired him) in his car. He reaches for his gun in the glove compartment, but it’s missing. He runs back into the house as Cormac shoots Kendall dead and aims for Keith, who manages to hide behind a big rock. Cormac laughs and says he’ll pick up his frozen corpse in the desert morning. Only the end part was good.

Veronica meets up with Mac to go to a midnight movie, but she’s hanging outside of her dorm because Parker is “busy” inside and that’s where the tickets are. Veronica bravely enters to retrieve the tix and they go and have a raucous good time. Meanwhile, Logan mundanely brushes his teeth when someone comes a-knockin’. A disheveled Dick cries that he’s “messed up bad” and has nowhere else to go; Logan offers his hotel suite. (Oh, great. Didn’t this happen last year? STOP IT!!) They hug. Well, Logan hugs, but Dick is sort of limply crying, holding his sleeves. Emo bastard.

After the movie, Veronica is slightly tipsy, so Mac offers her their couch to crash. A scream awakens the two girls in the morning. It’s Parker, and she sobs violently as she sees in the mirror her shaved head.

So here’s who I think isn’t the rapist: Dick. Obviously.

I try to be open-minded, so I didn’t immediately hate on Piz when they started shoving down our throats a million years ago that he was a “potential love interest”… except for the fact that his name is Piz. After this episode, he doesn’t provoke any ire, but I don’t feel anything for him, either. SERIOUSLY, “PIZ”??? He is sweet and goofy, but reminds me of a white Wallace and a poor man’s Duncan… literally. That’s bad, because — and I know I will got razor blades in my e-mail for saying this — he is a combination of two characters I don’t particularly like. I was never a Wallace fan (ducks), and Duncan was actually interesting until he was assassinated and replaced with a German lookalike. (Check it out, in some scenes he says “ve” and “ja.”) And the more pictures I see of him, the more I can see that he basically has two faces: (1) fish mouth; (2) closed mouth. This is where I think he looks like Duncan because he also has a limited reportoire of facial expressions — any of the following combinations of smirking/not smirking, raised eyebrow/unraised eyebrow, and batshit insane.

I don’t appreciate the credits’ new font type. I like the old Teletype, slightly disarrayed font! Why get rid of it, just because of the remixed theme song? The old opening theme didn’t even use that Teletype font, so what does it matter? I loved the white Teletype on black during the old closing credits (it reminded me of case files), and the simplicity and subtlety of it during the opening credits, but now it appears to be an egregious Impact font in different sizes (depending on whether it’s the first name, etc.), yuck. I don’t mind the new version of the song, except it has that weird remix tempo where it doesn’t feel like it’s flowing correctly. I hate that.

What the hell are these “Aerie Tuesdays” commercial crap (for American Eagle Outfitters)? Why would I want to watch a bunch of girls who have probably never watched the shows talk about it? And if they have, I still don’t care, because it is so painfully fabricated, completely vacuous, and barely about the show themselves. They are not even real conversations, just tiny snippets edited together talking about relationships. Gag. Though I have to admit, using “aerie” is kind of clever… and hilarious. So these girls are just squawking chicks in a nest, then? Makes sense.


2 thoughts on “Welcome Wagon 3×01

  1. OMG finally someone else to help me bitch about the Aerie girls. Yeah I don’t care if they have long distance relationships. If ONE of them actually watched the show there would be AT LEAST one L/V shipper. Gah.

    I also agree about Piz. No way.


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