Whoops, I was late again and came in one second before the opening credits with Michael staring intently and looking worried. At what? A puppy in turmoil? A butterfly’s wings being pulled off? I WILL NEVER KNOW!!
Turns out he was staring at an dog-faced slut named Jeannette. Yeah, I’d be worried too — of catching gonorrhea. Somehow they figured out the five million smackeroos are buried underneath her house, so they cut off her electricity to pretend to fix it, but are really planning to dig up her garage. After a lot of hemming and hawing, she lets them in, eyeballing them all because her vagina is salivating.
Before they can do anything, they had to let Tweener out of the trunk to bring back supplies from the Garden Center featured last episode. Michael figures it’s a good way to gauge his trustworthiness, but T-Bag thinks it’s a big mistake because he betrayed them last season by telling Bellick of their escape plan; Michael says aloud it’s T-Bag they can’t trust. Tweener stupidly opens the closet door where they tied up and gagged the owner and tells him to quiet down his muffled screams. Then his friend pops over for a look-see; spotting the fallen bat, he dials the sheriff. Tweener whacks him a good one with a shovel. When he returns, the others are angry that the friend possibly reached through to the sheriff.
Somewhere in northern Utah, C-Note is trying to hitch a ride, but sees only a motorcycle barreling down the empty stretch of road. Luckily, it’s Sucre, who stops for him. C-Note asks if he isn’t going for the money too, and shows him the coordinates for the Double K Ranch. They agree to work together. You know what would’ve been really hilarious: C-Note in the bitch seat.
Haywire’s back! Someone spotted him in a burger joint, but Mahone wants the focus to be in Utah for now. Haywire’s all sweaty and dirty and sneaks into someone’s house after spotting a police cruiser. How has this guy eluded capture, and what happened to his girl bike?? Wouldn’t it be funny if he rode into town like that? In the house, an elderly blind woman calls out, “Billy?” Unsure of how to respond, he replies, “…Yeah…” He gets a clean shower and a PB&J sandwich with the crusts cut off, and remarks at how beautiful a painting of Holland hanging in her living room is. She takes his hand, but, since she’s obviously gained a slightly heightened sense of touch rather than hearing, she realizes it isn’t her “Billy.” When he leaves the room, she dials the operator, but Haywire returns with a big ol’ knife. Whatever. This is basically the same trick in the season finale, where it looked like he was going to kill the little girl, but just took her bicycle. So the police come and see her lying on the sofa, but obviously, she’s okay, because he only used the knife to cut out the Dutch painting. Haywire in the Netherlands: I’d pay to see that spinoff! A dollar, maybe. Over the course of a millennia.
Tweener, who was lookout, brings back company: C-Note and Sucre. (What, is there a giant, flashing neon sign that says “FIVE MILLION HERE” that is only visible to escaped convicts?) Michael tries to get them to leave, because they’re running a ploy, but they insist on staying and getting their cut. Sucre seems a little pissed. Oh no!
BFF? Sucre doesn’t want to talk about what happened to Maricruz. Michael tries to ameliorate the situation by quietly urging him to go to europeangoldfinch.net if he needs help in the escape. C-Note cheerfully overhears and asks, it’s a bird, right?
Jeannette comes by and is somewhat suspicious of the new additions, but Mike quickly gives an excuse. T-Bag has a gimp hand anyway, so he distracts Jeannette. Michael is worried about pairing a long-in-the-tooth woman with a rapist. They chat it up real quick and drink hard lemonade. They’re kind of flirty with each other, discussing their exes, but by the end, she reveals her true intentions: can he, like, maybe ask the big, quiet guy (Lincoln) if he’d have a drink with her? T-Bag feels like he was played and eyes the ice pick. Way ahead of you, my friend. I mean… you’re not my friend.
In Washington, D.C., Agent Kellerman is giving an update to Agent Kim. He confesses he expected to personally brief the President, but Kim rebuffs him by smugly explaining she has to stay as far away from the Burrows case as possible; when they catch him, they will gradually include him back in her life. (Ah, so that’s how they explain the actress’s absence.) He will report to no one else but Kim, and he can’t show up unannounced. As Kellerman leaves the federal building, he doesn’t notice Governor Tancredi notice him.
Sara has received another paper bird, with another “phone number” written on it. She tries calling it, but it’s not an active number. I don’t know what her chances are of figuring out the code, if it is. In a supermarket, she receives a call from her father: he tells her he’s coming back immediately and warns her to stay away from that “Lance” guy because he’s not who he says he is. Camera pans to reveal Kellerman! Holy fuck, how did he get from Washington back to Illinois so quickly?
Mahone figures out, with information from the gas attendant who tended to D.B. Cooper’s car, that the convicts have to be in a 64 mile radius of the petrol station. (D.B. gassed twice on a car that held 16 gallons, which had 4 miles to a gallon. He was arrested without the money on him, so he must’ve buried it, blah blah blah.) He also drops by the Garden Center, where he, too, notices the fallen bat. Guys… it’s just a bat. That, tripled with Debra Jean’s abandoned car spotted outside town, and the fact that the owner’s girlfriend reported him missing, warrants a mighty plant throwing by Mahone. He steps through the broken glass and follows the muffled yelling, where, when untied, the guy yells ominously, “They’re here!”
As Mahone is honing in on our gang, Tweener reveals he forgot to gas up their cheap-ass getaway car, so Michael sends him back into town, where he’s successfully stalled by the clerk. (Sucka didn’t see the wanted poster of him above his head.) He runs out, but Mahone is close behind in his car. It was kind of sad seeing Tweener run, and we know humans can’t outrun cars… yet. Suddenly, Mahone magically teleports from his vehicle and is running on foot. When he catches up with Tweener, he orders him to give up the location of the others. I bet he’ll die, and as a final act of nonbetrayal won’t give up where they are. Then again, leopard, spots: they don’t change.
Back at the house, Michael sees T-Bag and Jeannette are missing, so he goes upstairs to make sure they’re okay. He accidentally walks in on her, with T-Bag coming out of the bathroom, reassuring Michael and divulging it’s Lincoln she wants. She tells them she wants them to leave. A police car stops in front of the house. Bitch called the cops! T-Bag grabs her by the throat and calls her an old whore. We concur.