Not Pictured 2×22

So, nothing happened. Uh, EXCEPT EVERYTHING. It actually took its sweet time, rather than last year’s season finale, which I felt was too rushed.

And Woody ran, he ran so far away. He just ran. They still think he crashed the bus to shut up the kids he molested; Stewart Manning is offering $20,000 for his capture. (He’s just throwing down money left and right, isn’t he?) Vinnie Van Lowe wants to team up with Keith to catch him and share the dough, 60-40. (Guess who wants 60?) Well, “team up” as in “I snuck into the Goodman home to steal documents and am now currently in jail for it, so you go do all the heavy lifting, mmkay, Keith?” When the camera pulled back for the hilarious bars reveal, I laughed, one of many in this surprisingly hilarious season finale. (Last year’s was… not so much.) Keith wants 50-50, if his information pans out, and only after Veronica graduates.

Father and daughter look at Woody’s medical records and discover he had chlamydia (oh-ho!) and has heart arrhythmia. Veronica pretends to be Gia, calling their lawyer to relay a message to Woody about his “prescription update.” Keith traces the call to Quail Creek Lodge in Nevada. Veronica is still trying to identify the third person in the Kill Incorporation audio file by interviewing each of the males in a Little League photograph (that includes the equally dead Marcos and Peter). She offers free gelato in exchange for answers, heh.

Graduation day. Veronica dreams she is wearing a flowery dress and her parents are making out. She eats sugary pancakes for breakfast and gets ready for the ceremony, only to find her gown has been switched with Wallace Fennel. Duncan (fulfilling his contractual obligation for twelve episodes) points out that he’s a good baller, and Logan kisses her (even in your dreams, eh, V?). She switches back their gowns, and from this brief exchange, it is woefully apparent they would not be BFFs if Lilly lived. Speaking of which, Lilly’s visiting from Vassar… confusedly admiring her memorial fountain. She also smells bacon. Mmm, bacon. Keith is frying bacon in real life, because he doesn’t know how to add water to powdered pancake mix (I conjectured). Her mom’s still gone and she wears black. It’s not a funeral, V.

Gosh, Lamb is an asshole through and through. He insists on arresting Weevil during graduation in connection to Thumper’s death in front of his sick grandmother and before they call his name. When Veronica’s called, cheers and applause erupt, much to her surprise. This is what you get for straddling the in- and out-crowd! So, is she salutatorian or valedictorian? They never say, though I suppose the former. Mac does say that Beaver got them a room. Flashes of squicky.

Before Keith leaves Neptune to catch Woody, he hands Veronica a graduation gift — plane tickets to New York. Before we know it, Goodman’s been tasered in his underwear (before or after he took a leak?) and Keith gets TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! Woody claims he loved the boys, who he says had inattentive parents, but denies blowing up the bus. (Last night on SVU, they also had pedophiles claiming to love their victims, using similar language the real pedophiles used when they were caught on that NBC news show. And on Lost, I thought pedophiliac pirates stole Walt.) They get ready to fly back on Woody’s private plane.

The seniors party, but Wallace immediately skipped out after graduation to go to Paris to find Jackie, only leaving a note for his mom. We cut to Jackie in New York, who’s going to her waitress job. Veronica calls her, and it turns out she had known for a while that Jackie was lying (from the time we saw she had mean waitressin’ skillz, I s’pose). She has a 3.1 GPA and the Sorbonne doesn’t like those odds. I thought her French-speaking was pretty good during the Winter Carnival, unlike Beyonce. (I am by no means fluent in French, but when I heard her singing even I knew her pronunciation sucked. Which tells you how much that performance sucked.) Veronica explains Wallace is on his way to Rude Waiter-land, but luckily, there’s a four-hour layover in New York. (Luckily? Or contrivedly??)

There is still one Little Leaguer Veronica hasn’t figured out. She goes into Woody’s Burgers to check out the team photographs he has up. It’s the same photo she has, except it lists all the members and states, “Not Pictured: Cassidy Casablancas.” She’s taking a huge leap of faith in this decision, quickly dialing Mac to warn her, but the party music is pumping too loud. Then she calls Hart Hanson, Beaver’s friend, as she rushes over to the Neptune Grand, where the party is being held (again). She asks Logan and Dick where they are, but they already done got a room and probably making sweet music right now. The front desk can’t give out the room number, and they can’t call through either because the room has a Do Not Disturb notice on it. Meanwhile, Beaver can’t perform sexually, but Mac doesn’t mind and she takes a shower before they head back downstairs. Her phone rings and Beaver nosily reads the message (just like real woman!): Beaver’s a killer. He texts back to meet on the roof, and pulls out a gun.

Veronica rushes to the roof, but in her haste, did not notice Aaron Echolls, who has been oot and aboot since his acquittal, in the elevator with her. Since his house burned down, he decided to take up residence at the Neptune Grand, too. He notes Veronica and Lilly are alike in that they speak their minds. Finally, an actual confession: he was glad to have struck Lilly’s head with an ashtray because it shut her up. It’s more cut and dried than the “I think there’s a cautionary tale in that… I’m not going to let a seventeen-year-old piece of ass ruin my life!” admission.

Mac ain’t on the roof. Beaver is on the roof. He has a gun. Oh noez! He asks for her bag and takes out her OTW (one true weapon), a taser. Veronica starts explaining his means and motive, with the appropriate flashbacks whooshing. Peter and Marcos were ready to out Woody, but Beaver didn’t want any part of it. (Beav was doing a foreign language exercise, so the program recorded their conversation and the other students speaking French.) Hart confirmed for Veronica that Beaver made stuff go kablammo on those silly war movies he was making, thanks to former stunt coordinator Curly (I signed up for self-flagellation. I definitely will not question TPTB’s seeming randomness again). Desperate to keep his secret, he shuttled himself and most of the 09ers into a limo and from that vantage point was able to know the right time to detonate the phone bomb. Beaver had to get rid of Curly, so he gave a fake tip to the PCHers that Curly crashed the bus to kill their mate, Cervando. The PCHers beat him silly, but Beaver was the one in the car and killed him. He wrote Veronica Mars on his hand, then dumped him off the cliff. He hired Veronica to unearth his father’s shady dealings to punish him for being a bad father. Also, Beaver raped Veronica. (Woody gave chlamydia to Beaver, who gave it to Veronica.) Whoa now! I knew Beaver was a teensy bit fishy in A Trip to the Dentist last year, but I didn’t really think he actually did it. So, he wanted to prove he was a man, but did Duncan do her afterward? Apologies, I’m an avid alliteration addict.

Beaver wants to kill her, but Veronica says it doesn’t matter, since she told her dad. Remember the bomb on the bus and the bomb under Woody’s car? Well, he also put one on Woody’s plane, and all he has to do is call. Ghostbusters! He wants her to renege on what she told Keith or he’ll press the button, he’ll do it! Veronica calls, but no one answers, so one moment later a fireball appears in the sky just slightly to the left of them. Veronica drops to the ground, while Beaver asks her to roll off the roof to kill herself, since he doesn’t want her DNA on him. Well, it’s a little late for that, isn’t it? You already raped her. During this little speech she surreptitiously texts Logan to meet her on the roof, but apparently the sender is No Name, so did Logan think, “Oh, some person I don’t think I know just asked me to go to the roof. Sure!” (I guess he recognized the phone number, but it was weird there wasn’t a name.) It would’ve been a comedy if she called Dick.

Beaver starts electrocuting her to make her jump off the building. Kinda like when there’s a roach, and you keep blowing on it hoping it’ll run away, ‘cuz you don’t wanna crush it. He says he’s sure he could pin the murder of this teenage girl on Aaron, who’s staying at the hotel. Logan appears in the nick of time, but narrowly misses two gunshots. After a brief tussle that involves all three of them (but not all at once, you sickos), the gun flies off to St. Elsewhere. Veronica grabs hold of it and aims it at Beaver, ready to fire. Veronica hysterically sobs that he killed her father, the kids on the bus, and that he raped her, while Logan tries to calm her and take the gun away, because, as he rationalizes, she isn’t a killer. She finally acquiesces and she cries in his arms. Desperate Beaver climbs over the railing, ready to jump.

“Beaver, don’t!”
“My name is Cassidy!!”
“Cassidy, don’t.”
“Why not?” Silence. “That’s what I thought.” And Cassidy seemingly floats off the ledge, only to land with a faraway thud on a car below. I think the most chilling thing in the whole episode were their wordless expressions. Here, they could’ve prevented a death, even if it was of a murderer, but their silence was clichély deafening. (Yet any cries of, “Don’t you wanna live, Cassidy? Don’t you want to live?” would’ve been even more cliched.)

Veronica remembers Mac and they race down to get an employee to open the door. The poor girl is huddled in a corner, covered with only a shower curtain. The bed is a bare mattress. Cassidy stole her clothes and “everything else.” Which I’m not sure I understand. Did he want to prevent her from leaving? Did he want to destroy the evidence of sleeping with (or trying to sleep with) Mac? Did he want to humiliate her? Did he like girls’ clothing, but found it too embarrassing to shop for them in person? Didn’t he ever hear of the internet or a catalogue? Okay, I shouldn’t make fun of the dead… but it’s a TV show, come on!

A few doors down, maybe three, Aaron is having sex with another of his son’s bed partners, Kendall. (It’s so sad he gets his sloppy seconds.) Duly satisfied, Aaron picks up a cigar and masturbates, aka watches himself on television, while Kendall goes to scrub away the evidence. As he blows and narcissistically admires his youth onscreen, a silent killer stalks him… chlamydia! Nah, chlamydia doesn’t kill. Just cripples your reproductive system and ruins your chance of bearing children. Which, to some people, is like death. No, it’s only Clarence Wiedman holding a silencer, and oddly enough, I didn’t cheer for Aaron’s death — his brains and blood spattered all over the screen, a gaping hole in his cranium, his life forever snuffed out, his body a naked bloody mess, justice served, myself surprised the lit cigar didn’t burn the hotel down. No, I didn’t cheer at all. Clarence just as stealthily slips out like a jaguar and calls someone in Australia… Duncan! His daughter is barely a year and he brought her to the beach… so HE can build a sandcastle. It was hilarious as he stuck an Australian flag as if in triumph, though. The Dunc answers, “CW?” “It’s a done deal.” (I howled in laughter, while my brother looked at me funny, because he’s stupid. Which reminds me, is it show time or is HBO backing us up?) Wow, Duncan did more in his final five seconds than he ever did onscreen for the first eleven S2 episodes. Also, I’m glad he ended up in an English-speaking country. (I hope he knows knifey-spoony.) Clarence sure is loyal to the Kanes.

Logan spends the night at Veronica’s place, with the latter asleep on the former’s lap. Nice parallel to 2×01, where he went to her place after he got beat up and laid his gigantic body on top of her minuscule frame, crushing her softly as she cleaned his wounds. She dreams another dream, of herself as a little girl easily amused by her father’s antics. She also smells bacon. Veronica rushes out of bed, but only sees Logan with a plate of pancakes and frying bacon. (HE CAN FRY BACON?!?! HE CAN MAKE PANCAKES?!?!) He apologizes for what I thought was creating a small fire, but really it was about last night. Fresh tears threaten to spill, and he holds her, saying sorry, until Keith announces his presence and in a weird cut Veronica has magically teleported into his arms. Lamb didn’t want Keith to return on the plane with Woody to the media, so he drove. Uh, HE COULDN’T CALL? AT ALL?!?! TO SAY HE’D BE A BIT LATE SINCE HE’S DRIVING???? Did Logan know he came home? If it was a fakeout… no más, por favor. They are really, uhm, fake. And annoying. Yeah, that’s right. Logan leaves without a word, leaving the two to their happy reunion.

Jackie meets up with Wallace at JFK. She tells him the truth: her mother had a one-night stand with Terrence eighteen years ago. She never grew up privileged; by her teens she was on a downward drug spiral that resulted in a two-year-old kid (who calls her grandma mom; didn’t Tru Calling have a plot line like this? And probably SVU? And…). Her parents arranged it so Jackie would live with him in California to “start over.” She was so excited her father was spending time with her that she never really understood, until Terrence sent her away (to be fair, I think it was because he wanted to protect her), her hypocrisy of leaving her own child behind. Her feelings for Wallace were real though, but they have to part. I just have to tell you, I yawned at every other sentence as I typed this. (It was a nice character-arc wrap-up, but I still don’t really care all that much.)

The Casablancas lawyer meets with Kendall to discuss Cassidy’s death, most likely to be ruled as a suicide. He also tells her the Phoenix Land Trust documents found in his room indicates the company earned eight million dollars from betting against incorporation. All the stuff is in Kendall’s name, so she gets the money without doing a thing. Not even sleeping with a guy! The lawyer tells her to congratulate Big Dick, though, believing (along with everyone else) that he was pulling the strings from afar. Cassidy still not getting recognized in death, yo.

Keith and Veronica get ready to leave for New York. They discuss how Logan’s doing, who’s apparently calling himself “Little Orphan Annie.” They have to “talk,” which is why Logan’s driving her to the airport (that’s gonna be a fucking long car ride) and Keith is going to meet her there. Logan arrives with her bags and they embrace and spin (STOP SPINNING, YOU GUYS, THE EARTH IS DOING IT FOR YOU!). Kendall walks in on them kissing and calls them, in a lot more words, a Norman Rockwell painting, which is slightly amusing because their relationship is the complete opposite of anything Rockwellian. The pair leaves, as Kendall asks Keith for an urgent favor. She opens a briefcase and the glow of ten thousand virgins stare back at him. Actually, we have no idea what it is, but it’s enough for him to stand Veronica up at the airport. For a long, long time.

If and when next season arrives, I’m going to refrain from looking at all the speculation with spoilers. I clung onto the “Beaver is a killer” theory, but I don’t like it when I’m right. Sure, last year, I had heard rumblings about how Aaron could do it, but I never said, “Yup, I hope it’s Aaron.” (When he was revealed as the murderer, I was shocked.) Everything else, Weevil’s arrest, Aaron dying, Kendall as his final sexcapade, DK putting a hit on Aaron, the breakfast cooking, Jackie as a teenage mother, and even Cassidy dying, I was spoiled for. It didn’t take away my enjoyment of the episode, but I lost the giddiness and OMGWTF factor of last year. Then again, it seemed they kept a better lock on spoilers last year, so let’s blame the both of us.

You know, for all the talk about Gia seeing the bus fall off the cliff and the only person to see a pressed ham, she sure wasn’t in this episode at all. I miss her flaky self. And was Lucky’s only point in the show to introduce Woody’s creepiness? It would’ve felt more organic if we saw him at least one other time. I mean, we had seventeen previous episodes before he was mentioned; why not? Then to just die, and not see why he thought Goodman was Badman, was disappointing. I guess we were suppose to infer Lucky was also molested.

Logan and Veronica becoming LxV that quickly? Uh… that’s cool… I guess. I mean, I’d like them together, but I thought they’d be friends first, or really really close friends on the verge of making out, who will then make out in the summer, which we could only see through flashbacks. I guess she pulled a Padmé Amidala and realized life is too short to be angry at your ex — whom you still love — getting freaky with a con artist. It just makes me sad they are together, because they will somehow get ripped apart again. If the writers are talented enough, they could write an interesting relationship for them (Chandler and Monica!), that doesn’t need a breakup to keep things fresh.

I didn’t like Veronica’s smug look after everyone applauds her at the ceremony. I don’t think that was the intent, but I thought the actress was all, “That’s right, suck my cock, bitches.” I also wish they hadn’t put the location names in the corner (Quail Creek Lodge, outside Reno, Nevada; Brooklyn, New York). Last year, when “Havana, Cuba” appeared, that was necessary because we had no idea where Duncan was. But an earlier convo already pinned Woody in Nevada, and it was kind of obvious Jackie was in Brooklyn because all season long, it was established Jackie was from NY, they showed a shot of the Brooklyn Bridge and her mother answered the phone, “Brooklyn Dan’s” (which is a totally non-NY type of name, BTW). The only appropriate one was when “Mollymook, Australia” popped up, since, once again, we didn’t know where Duncan ran away off to after Mexico.

Another thing I didn’t like that Cassidy was the big bad in everything. He raped Veronica, crashed the bus, killed Curly, caused his father to flee the country, and sent Woody the Kill Incorporation tape so he could make millions. What happened to my lovely tricky gray area?? Now that I’m thinking about tricky gray areas, 2×21 also sort of had a tricky gray area like 1×21. We all know Aaron’s a murdering bastard, but all the things that could’ve led to an easier trial was mired in all sorts of shenaniganery. 1×22 was also black-and-white, so parallel-wise I can’t say that I’m surprised Cassidy was so evil. (I really can’t type Beaver anymore. Even though it’s still funny.) Anyway, I loved the finale nonetheless, even more than season one’s. If this were the series finale, it ended wonderfully, just like last year’s.

There are still many questions that are up in the air. Not as important as the ones that were answered, but nagging nonetheless:
1) Who is Sally?!
2) Was Kendall working with Clarence?
Yeah, that’s it.

Nothing can ever be normal in Neptune. In the first season two episode, Normal is the Watchword, Veronica wanted it and futilely pursued it with Duncan until he left with his illegitimate baby. Cassidy wanted to keep his secret to be normal, so he killed a bunch of kids to do that. See? Not normal.

Answers
1) Who crashed the bus? Beaver
2) Who killed Felix? Thumper
3) Why frame Logan for Felix’s murder? Bambi. I mean, the Fitzpatricks pushed their cokehead doctor as a fake witness to deflect blame from Thumper and his (in effect, their) handle on the lucrative high school drug business
4) Are the Fitzpatricks really behind framing Logan? Along with Thumper, probably
5) Who killed Curly Moran? Beaver; Weevil totally softened him up for him, though
6) Why did Curly Moran have “Veronica Mars” written in permanent marker? Beaver did it to reinforce his role as the bus crasher
7) Who’s framing Terrence? No one. The evidence strongly supported his role, but he didn’t do it. Or did he???
8) Why did Terrence break into his dead lover’s home? To get the tell-all book she wrote about him
9) What’s Beaver planning with the Phoenix Land Trust? Beaver blackmailed Woody with the Kill Incorporation audio file. Woody set up the unconscious chick shtick, which led to incorporation’s demise. The properties that were being sold cheaply in anticipation of incorporation suddenly rocketed in prices, from which PLT reaped the riches from. In other words: money, money, money, money. Monay!
10) What’s Kendall doing for Aaron with the hair she plucked from the drain? The better to blame Duncan with, my dear
11) What’s the use of the “paddle” Veronica found engraved with license plate numbers in Thumper’s locker? They were plate numbers of high-profiled folk who were also drug users
12) Is an individual or individuals purposefully exacerbating Neptune’s class warfare or is it naturally occurring because of huge social differences? Probably the latter
13) Who was the anonymous caller saying Curly crashed the bus? Beaver? How did he know about the Echolls super-sikrit phone that Veronica didn’t even know about?
14) Uh, does this count? What really happened to Felix’s brother? Was he really offed by the Fitzpatricks? Yes… unless Rob Thomas brings him back from the dead! Mua hahahahahaha
15) What was the real deal about Alicia’s old life in Chicago? Where is she?! She has her own life, bitch!
16) Did Aaron really kill Lilly? Yes
17) Why was Curly at the crash site memorial shortly before he ended up dead on a beach? Remorse; because of his bomb knowledge, it was partly his fault. Probably
18) Who shot the slug through Logan’s car when he and Veronica were inside making out? Probably PCHers led by Thumper, no one special. Not like, Lianne Mars special
19) What’s with the rat? Beaver most likely did it so his brother would call a limo, so it wouldn’t seem as suspicious if he had done it himself. Again, the simplest answer is often the correct one. No one put the rat on it so maggots could thrive, or anything that crazy
You know what I totally forgot? Why was Terrence so pissed at Woody when we first saw him in 2×01? Was it because Woody knew about Ms. Dumass and knowingly invited her and her class to the stadium? Hm…

I can see the future… it’s November 2, 2006… and I am visiting TWoP’s Spoiled Like Cafeteria Milk forum…