The Quick and the Wed 2×15

Wallace’s new girlfriend, Jane, asks for Veronica’s help after her bride-to-beat sister goes missing. (I actually felt a lot of time went into the yearlong mysteries instead of the MotW, which is more than okay with me.) Veronica asks her dad to check on Heidi Kuhne’s phone and credit card records while she scopes out her apartment. It looks like a goat (the same one from Pan High?) ransacked the place, but not out of the ordinary. Her friends who were with her during their bachelorette scavenger hunt say a creepy guy was stalking her at a club, and Jane identifies the headless torso in the photos from their night of bacchanalia. Going by the team bowling shirt the torso was wearing, she heads to the bowling alley to find the guy — one is too fat, one is too skinny, one is not a man, but one is just right: Vinnie Van Lowe (best surprise of the night), who doesn’t reveal anything.

Keith tells Veronica an update: Heidi used her cell to call Paul Mann, her fiancé, so she tries calling Heidi’s phone, but hears Carrie Underwood singing. I’m just foolin’, it was the fax machine. She goes back to her apartment and finds the last fax was a handwritten note (Babe – I need you) on a flyer for a band called XLR8, featuring Nick, an ex. Veronica travels up or down to wherever the band is playing and finally finds Heidi, who says she came up to be a friend to Nick (his mom fell off the roof installing a satellite dish, apparently, which I’m sorry, is absolutely hilarious in my mind). Nick was so stoked she came, he neglected to tell her he didn’t fax her. A friend texted her that Paul was leaving some chick’s house at dawn, but her friend’s cell was stolen during their night of debauchery.

Heidi rushes back in time to a shocked groom, who moments before was very cheerful about his late bride. Paul spits out that he wouldn’t want to marry a slut anyway (only he said Tawny Kitaen, but that’s interchangeable… right?) and that the marriage’s off. His father sudden outburst against this led me to believe she was a hot financial commodity, but it turns out he didn’t to lose the family engagement ring. Psh, whatever, who cares about sentimentality and heirlooms? Heidi gleefully notes that according to their “polite society” (the Manns are old money), she gets to keep the diamond Volkswagen on her finger. She gladly would’ve given it back had he just called it off rather than hiring a P.I. (Vinnie Vanlowe) to stage an elaborate hoax to get her to skip the wedding (thus requiring her to return the ring). She decides to hock it to pay for the two years she spent making herself worthy. VMVO (where you been, girlfriend?!) guesses that Mann Senior commissioned a background check but Mann Junior took the adage, “When you sleep with someone, you’re not just sleeping with them, but with everyone they’ve ever slept with” seriously.

Keith goes to Lamb about the explosives in the hangar (THAT BELONGS TO WOODY GOODMAN). Lamb is amused he’s fingering his client, but issues a warrant anyway. At the crime scene, Keith notices a man in a truck drive up to the hangar and then turned away. He goes to question him and it turns out he details Terrence’s fleet of fancy cars monthly. Well, he used to have a fleet — forty — but now he only has eight, which I guess is a flotilla. The car guy keeps calfskin chamois (the only kind Terrence’ll allow) in the same cabinet the C4 explosives were found. Since car guy did not see them last month, they had to have been planted. Or maybe car guy’s messin’ with you! Maybe car guy is the real guilty party and is saving his ass somehow!

Keith tells Lamb what he’s learned, which is actually getting tiresome — is he or isn’t he? I thought he’s a private investigator, former sheriff and deputy, so he knows about gathering evidence, right, to provide the best possible case and not just announcing every new revelation sixty nanoseconds after he learned it. Lamb isn’t convinced, but he’ll make sure to speak to Terrence after he gets out of the hospital. Oh, that’s right, Terrence was shot by Ms. Dumass’s father after he was caught breaking into their house. Wow, Terrence has a lot of problems. (And man, Naima just won’t go away.) It seems they are getting ready to push Woody as a suspect next, because this show is too smart to totally forget that Jackie said it was his hangar. Also, where the hell is he? Aaron kind of disappeared for the same stretch of episodes last year, only to pop up in the last four and it ended up that he was the real murderer, so maybe Goody did it. Unless it’s my human brain finding pleasure in discovering patterns, even if they may or may not exist. In fact, my brain just gave itself a cookie for this.

After a hilarious airing of the Tinseltown Diaries, the Aaron Echolls version, complete with still frame from Clash of the Titans, we really see the hatred against Logan ratchet up about, let’s say, 54 notches. From 365,120. His lawyer, Cliff (I love Cliff, but why is he still here? I thought he was switching to a high-priced defense team), flat-out tells him no one likes him and he should take the plea bargain instead of throwing himself to the mob known as the jury. This is reaffirmed when, as Logan’s leaving a convenience store, he gets spit in the face. First, why does it always seem like he’s buying snacks in the “bad” parts of Neptune (bad to him, at least)? Second: boy, you got room service and you face the wrath of the world just to buy a pack of candy? You must really like mingling with the hoi polloi. You should just have food shipped from Amazon.

He does have a supporter in Hannah, whom he overhears defending him to her mom, who doesn’t like murderers, even the alleged kind, apparently. Logan feels guilty, as he had just sent an e-mail from Hannah’s mom’s address to Tom Griffith that she just found birth control CONDOMS in their daughter’s room. When Hannah walks him to his car, she implies she wants sex. I’m sorry, I know she’s only fifteen and wants to believe the best of her first boyfriend, but she’s a slutty ho-bag. Of course, they left it open to interpretation so I guess we’ll find out next time. I can’t guarantee a next time, though, because my insides will be gnawed out by unknowing. And you know, death as a result.

On the class warfare front: 57% of Neptune support incorporation, which is a majority, but is still a failing grade. Mr. Pope discusses this with his FBLAers (Future Business Leaders of America), where Gia is notably absent, btw. Isn’t she clinging to Dick like a vine on a trellis with an STD? The teacher gives an example of what could happen to Neptune: after Palo Alto incorporated, there was a core of wealth surrounded by the crime capital of America. Property values inside skyrocketed, while those outside incorporation fell, which were sold to suckers thinking they got a good deal. I think Kyle Gallner gave a good performance because I couldn’t really tell if he had an “oh shit” face or a “yes, my pretty” face. If you remember, Beav set up a real estate company, the Phoenix Land Trust, with Kendall’s name on everything. I thought it was a complicated plan to humilate Kendall, but maybe it’s also to make cash, too, or… something. She asks him if he’s worried she actually has brains behind her pretty packaging (like Annette Bening in The Grifters), but Beaver smiles mysteriously and answers, “I’m banking on it.” Now, this could be completely innocuous, in that he wants buyers to trust in Kendall because she’s actually capable enough to be CEO of the Land Trust (oh my, trust), so they would lay down money. Anyway, they are all out of capital so Kendall goes to get some…

…from Aaron Echolls?! How can a prisoner provide revenue, especially since we established last episode Terrence wouldn’t be able to pay back his debt if he was imprisoned? In exchange for money, he wants her to visit his son, Logan. So she does, under the guise of selling real estate, but when he’s distracted by Dr. Griffith, she tweezes a hair from Duncan’s shower drain. (1) Pubes. (2) How shoddy is hotel service (especially for the penthouse) that a hair is still there? (3) No comb or hairbrush, or pillow? So is there something special about it being a drain hair? Aaron once again tries to finger Duncan as the real killer in his Tinseltown Diaries show, so he either wants to frame Duncan with that hair somehow or he wants to clone Duncan so he can have a tangible target (considering he fled the country and all). Unless, he really wants to complete his hair collection of people he’s met, and I know how anal some people can be.

Kendall leaves with the hair (unless it’s not, it cut off right before we see her pull anything out), while Dr. Griffith is still there, who agrees to back off as the eyewitness if he backs away from his daughter. Logan looks torn, but agrees. Griffith says he’ll deal with the Fitzpatricks and doesn’t deny he’s a cokehead when Logan calls him one (but doesn’t confirm, either). All this time we thought Griffith was a Fitzpatrick puppet, but is he? How can a puppet deal with the Irish mafia?

In the final scene, Jane updates Veronica on Heidi’s whereabouts: after pawning the ring, she decided to travel with Nick and his band. Aww. Veronica tells her if true love comes looking for her, she’ll be by the espresso machine. In the most obvious setup ever (I loved it anyway), Logan walks in and the episode ends with him telling her he did something horrible. O RLY?? Is it the bumfights, spiking your friend’s drink with GHB, launching cruel and unusual verbal attacks on others (a former friend, no less), lying about your alibi, sleeping with your friends’ stepmom, or going out with a girl to to get to her father? It must be hardcore horrible if he’s admitting it. I hope Veronica is surprised he confessed, period. What I’d like to know is if he needs her help or if he just wants to get it off his chest, which further illustrates his lack of friends. Duncan’s gone for good, Dick can’t walk his way out of a paper bag, and the other 09ers are just extras! I’m more interested in the dynamics of Logan and Veronica’s friendship before Lilly ever died, which we only got an itty-bitty look at (a couple minutes, maybe?).

Episode 2×21 will apparently deal with Aaron Echolls’ trial. Wow, it sure is fucked up: the Kanes tampered with the original crime scene when they thought Duncan did it, in effect protecting the real murderer; Logan bought and erased every copy of the Aaron-Lilly sex tapes; Veronica helped Duncan leave the country in a flurry of kidnapping charges, giving Aaron an extremely effective scapegoat.

I love it. We all know Aaron’s gonna get out. C’mon, what celebrity have you known to go to jail for a murder? Exactly.

I hope Duncan traveled past Mexico into Belize, because his Spanish-speaking skills are horrendous. Seriously, SENIOR Shrimp? Señor isn’t that difficult to say, and you don’t even have to trill your tongue. (Heh, I wonder if he still has his Roberto Nalbandian passport.) I guess it’s not as terrible as having an Italian play a Mexican. Which I wouldn’t mind, if it weren’t so fucking obvious. Shit, Veronica and Logan spoke more and better Spanish than Weevil ever did. Not feeling the Weevil love.

Next time on Veronica Mars: seems she has a raucous good time tasering people and throwing drinks in people’s faces at a college party. We also see Alia Shawkat swear Biblical justice as she takes off her hat to reveal her shaved head. Going baldso the new black. (Where’s Michael Cera??)


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