My Mother the Fiend 2×09

Again, more of wealthy Neptune’s underbelly. The overall A mystery (bus crash) once again stagnates, as does the yearlong B mystery (who stabbed Felix, thus exacerbating the social class war). But hey, Mystery of the Week and character development!

The Health teacher Mrs. Hauser presents animatronic babies to the students. Whatever happened to the days of flour or sugar sacks, or an egg. Hell, I never even got to do that since Health was only a one-term requirement for me. Then I remember the year after, my friend bought a bag of flour for the project, but the anthrax scare put a damper on things. Anyway, Veronica makes a bunch of sarcastic comments about the project, which Duncan only smirks at with his eyebrow. (1) He’s boring, I get it! (2) He’s hiding something, yet that makes him more boring? Oh my God!

Veronica is called to the vice principal’s office. Remembering she solved the case of the missing mascot (that sounds like a Nancy Drew book) last year, she asks what mystery needs to be cracked. Instead, Clemmons busts her for keeping a key to his office and accuses her of breaking into school property. He threatens suspension, which would eliminate her chances of winning the Kane scholarship. Clemmons is aware of her academic record and financial situation, and offers her detention, to which she readily agrees. Her punishment is to alphabetize the permanent records of what appears to be every student that ever attended Neptune High School. Only Clemmons doesn’t realize that Veronica has probably organized tons of files at Mars Investigations and could do it with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back, so take that Clemmons.

Without magic, Veronica begins filing the records, finding her mother’s file in the process. She discoveres Lianne was suspended with Deborah Philippina Drummond (Hauser) for spreading a vicious rumor. Mrs. Hauser says a lot of people got hurt when Lianne opened her big trap and she shouldn’t have listenend. Veronica asks Clemmons for more info, and although he’s appalled she did the same thing in detention she got in trouble for, surprisingly he still tells her he was a young science teacher, Principal Moorehead (introduced last episode) was vice principal, and Mrs. Hauser and Mary Mooney were students. Meanwhile, Weevil is beat up by a group of 09ers Logan snapped for and the next day, he is taped to the flagpole all bruised. (I knew it! Lily: 9; Terrorists: 8.) Veronica, feeling a little less than sympathetic, lets her fake baby take in all the action.

Mary Mooney is still at the school as a lunchlady. She’s deaf, so Veronica uses some rusty American sign language her mom taught her years ago, since her aunt’s also deaf. She sees that Mary’s signed that Lianne’s a fiend. Unfazed, Veronica approaches Principal Moorehead (Chandler’s dad! Not Kathleen Turner, John Bennet Perry), who doesn’t remember the rumor, but does remember her mom as vicious. They walk into the rehearsal for Hamlet, celebrity directed by Trina Echolls, who excitedly tells Veronica about the lastet news from the production of The Aaron Echolls Story — Evan Rachel Wood. “Okay…” ERW is being considered for the role of Veronica (El. Oh. El), except she won’t be called Veronica since the Mars family didn’t sign the release forms. I’d die if they film and air any part of TAES, that would just be so frickin’ hilarious. I hope that 2×01 banter comes true and Tom Welling’s Logan! But who will portray the others?????????

Kendall drops by the suite looking to sell Big Dick’s Maserati. She drops sexy innuendoes while dropping into Duncan’s lap to no avail. Here’s a tip, Kendall: go blonde and act like you need to be saved. So… they didn’t have relations considering he’s brush-offy and she obviously didn’t get paid? Or they did and Duncan ain’t payin’ for booty, that’s what hookers are for! Logan and Trina arrive and Kendall tries to sell the car to Logan without success as well. Trina asks if they aren’t sleeping together (I thought they “broke up,” so Kendall is really desperate, huh) and it’s ALYSON HANNIGAN vs. CHARISMA CARPENTER – ROUND 1! CC says she’s a washout actress and AH insinuates she’s a cradle robber. Personally, I think Trina won, but I’m biased.

Through her mother’s old yearbook, Veronica finds Patty Wilson and meets her at Java the Hut. (Is she still working there or what?? What happened, people?) Patty remembers Lianne’s boyfriend, Jake Kane, but during their “off” period, he dated Celeste Carnathan… now Celeste Kane. (I was always interested in the JLC’s backstory together, because if Lianne and Jake were supposedly the loves of each other’s lives, why then did he marry Celeste?) Supposedly, in order to keep him, Celeste, who was moving out of the school district, claimed she was pregnant. She found her way back prom night, yet her tummy was magically flat. Veronica deduces Lianne was dumped because Celeste was pregnant, or Lianne said Celeste was pregnant because she was dumped.

Veronica decides to ask her dad about Lianne. She wants him to access county records to see if Celeste was really pregnant. Keith finds no baby born under Kane or Carnathan in 1980. He asks why she insists on this thing that could tear VD apart, to which she replies she just wants to know if her mom was someone she would’ve been friends with in high school or some bitch who made everyone miserable. (Here’s a tip, Veronica: SHE SUCKS SHE IS AN ALCOHOLIC WHO QUIT REHAB THAT YOU PAID FOR EARLY, RAN OUT ON YOU AND STOLE YOUR DAD’S FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.) Never mind it’s a little convenient to Keith that this would also make Celeste out to be the icy witch Veronica always believed her to be (just throw water on her or something). Keith says, with that in mind, that a Jane Doe baby was delivered to Balboa County hospital after being discovered in the girl’s bathroom during Neptune High’s prom. “Celeste,” V surmises. “You don’t actually listen when I talk, do you?” I hope you’re not surprised, Keith.

Veronica goes to drop the fake baby at Duncan’s, but he has other plans. The baby starts crying and DK quickly takes charge. He remarks this would’ve been the perfect thing for his mom to give to Lilly because she was always afraid she would get pregnant. Veronica finds it ironic, but without saying why sarcastically praises Celeste instead. As if by magic, Celeste thanks her from behind, who’s down from Napa for dinner with her son. Interestingly, Duncan never told his parents he was dating Veronica again, and never told Veronica he never told them. Ouch. The two females butt heads once more and after Celeste calls Lianne a drunk slut (again, Celeste? Buy a thesaurus or something), Duncan finally mediates. Veronica waits in his bedroom with Astrid, a Kane servant who brought Duncan’s clothes. V asks how she could put with her and Astrid says she only does it because Celeste is paying for grad school. Veronica guesses correctly Astrid’s not a real blonde, and her age (25). Based on a less-than-cursory investigation, she guesses Astrid is the prom baby. That grad school tuition is probably Kane pocket change, V, maybe she’s paying for school as an incentive to stay. It’s easier than finding a new person every 2 months. Hating Celeste so much it blinds you to everything else? No.

Meanwhile, Beaver has asked Mac for help on building a website for his company, Phoenix Land Trust (I have no idea what Beavissidy could be planning). Beav then calls for a “meeting” with his stepmom, Kendall. She’s been going around selling off his dad’s stuff at an incredibly deflated price and doesn’t want any further humiliation to his family (then he should remove Dick, Jr.’s existence from history or something). And to stop her, he wants to hire her for his real estate business, because he finds value in her desperation. WTF? I hope this is a really elaborate plan to shame Kendall. How does the Beav even have the estate to real? Kendall patronizes him before asking him about her check. Wow, the desperation is just rolling off in waves. Later, Mac shows Beaver what she’s done and they share some obvious flirting. I will say right now, they are getting together, not because of intuition, but because the spoilers are my master and I its whore.

In the school boys’ bathroom, Weevil confronts Logan. According to Logan, Weevil still owes him: shotgun blast though his car with him inside + house burning + Russian roulette with his hand > beating up and taping Weevil to the flagpole. (The look in 2×01 is confirmed when he finally says he didn’t order a shotgun with a side of showering glass.) Weevil defends that he only did it because he thought he killed Felix, which he knows now he didn’t do; no one’s that good a liar, he assumes. Logan asks if they are supposed to team up now, but Weevil thinks they need to beat each other up first to save face from the PCHers (and to throw the others off their trail?). So in a funny scene, they finally have a 1-on-1 showdown (I think I’ve watched this scene about six times). Computer/Gym Teacher who usually breaks up fights, where are you?? As they’re led out, Hector says to Thumper he would’ve killed him (well, not as succinctly).

Veronica finds the foster parents of the prom baby and pretends to be a P.I. (complete with nameplate that says Veronica Mars, P.I.) to garner info. V says the wealthy parents only want to support her financially, but the foster mother thinks it wouldn’t mean much, considering she knows she ended up in a local wealthy home. Unfortunately, her adoptive mother committed suicide and her adoptive father was jailed. Ooh… so she visits Trina, who’s in the hospital after slipping on a skull during a Hamlet rehearsal (skeletons in the closet?), under the guise that she wants to audition for the play. She’s written up a scene about a dying woman who needs bone marrow from her real parents, since she’s adopted, and wants to tape it. Her big plans of smoking Celeste out backfires when her conscience knocks a little sense into her. Trina is delighted at the news (after realizing Ashton Kutcher isn’t popping up) and thinks she should go ahead and release the tape to the media.

The next day, Veronica shows Trina all the magazines filled with Trina and her dance with death. Suddenly, Mary Mooney rushes in and signs she wants to give Trina her bone marrow. Trina looks horrified at first, but then hugs her and smiles. (Aw, Trina has a soul.) Mary explains (through a laptop keyboard) she had an affair with a faculty member. Lianne was a fRiend ( “what a difference a letter makes,” VO muses… kinda like that letter to Meg?) and tried to help out by asking Deborah Hauser née Drummond for advice, but the future Health teacher ended up spreading the news like gonorrhea throughout school. Mary asked Lianne not to tell so she recanted and was suspended. Mary adds that Lianne was the sweetest, coolest girl at school (IT DOESN’T MATTER SHE STILL TURNED OUT TO BE A WINO WHO STOLE FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS MEANT FOR HER COLLEGE EDUCATION. UNLESS SHE INVESTED IN A HIGH-POWERED STOCK WITH IT OR SOMETHING.) Veronica relays all this to Trina, who asks who her real father is: Principal Moorehead. Mary left her on his doorstep, but he was the one who dumped her in the john on prom night. Trina interrupts a faculty meeting and exposes him.

Somehow Veronica figures that the end justifies the means and applauds Clemmons’s clever machinations. Clemmons neither denies or confirms, but when Veronica leaves, he changes his nameplate which now says… Principal Clemmons. Haha, excellent! I know I said last episode there’d be an administrative showdown, I just didn’t realize it’d be this soon.

Veronica finds the rat in the freezer at work and Keith tells her it was on the bus and she figures it was a message for her, she’s the rat. 1) If she died, how the hell would she have seen the “message”? 2) She is soo self-centered. Keith doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but says that he should’ve won the election and taken charge of the investigation.

Picking up Abel Koontz’s effects from the hospital, Veronica decides to check on Meg seeing as there are no crazy parents to kill her. Carrying the fake baby, she enters the room and notices two heart monitors. Pushing the hospital tray away reveals Meg’s pregnant belly. (Why isn’t it covered? It can get cold in dem dere hospitals!) Speechless and voiceover-less, Veronica rushes out as Meg opens her eyes.

Even though I knew Meg was pregnant, the reveal was still surprising. I liked that Veronica had a fake baby with Duncan and Meg’s a having a real baby with Duncan… if it’s his. (She did mention that last perfect moment on the beach in his dream.) Veronica was so callous with their snuggly animatronic daughter, yet Duncan really took the time to care. It’s funny that Dick dated Madison Sinclair and Beaver will date Mac… the Sinclairses’ real daughter (they were switched at birth). Haha, Dick really is flapping out in the breeze. About Trina being the prom baby… even though I knew I was kinda disappointed. I thought she was Logan’s half-sister, that’s what she was referred to as previously. Now it lends another interesting layer to the whole Echolls family dynamic: Aaron beats his real son and beats up her adopted daughter’s boyfriend when he finds out he’s been abusing her. Lynn leaves Trina (well, and Aaron, too) off her will, me thinking it was out of spite because she was the progeny of Aaron and another woman. Things were a lot more interesting when she was the half-sister. I liked the episode, just not the mystery’s outcome. Disappointed, really. I hope things are further explained later somehow, though I’m not sure why they would be.

I also saw the alternate ending on AOL, the final marketing gimmick for sweeps month I guess. After discovering Meg’s pregnant, Veronica hides in the bathroom (I think) after hearing someone coming. We watch Veronica’s reaction as Meg’s mother soothingly comforts Meg offscreen. When she leaves, V comes out of hiding and finds that she’s been smothered and is flatlining. She removes the pillow, a nurse walks in and assuming the worst, calls security. Even though VM uses a lot of soap opera gimmickry, it’s the first time it ever really felt like a soap opera. It reminded me when Sami was visiting Nicole (or was it Nicole visiting Sami?) in the hospital and they really hate each other, but the visitor sees the plug to the breathing machine is loose so she tries to jam it in there tight, but the patient wakes up then and thinks she’s trying to kill her. I voted against the alternate ending.

(I am thinking of blogging lively for next week’s Veronica Mars, since Lost is a repeat…)

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